It’s not always easy to know what to give teenagers, how much is too much and what will be just right. It may be useful to think about where adolescents are in their development so as to match it with a great gift.

     Teenagers are trying on alternative futures for themselves; considering not only various career paths, but asking fundamental questions such as who am I, how do I become a man or a woman, what will the world be like when I am an adult. They are simultaneously breaking away from the family, while at the same time longing for the stability that family brings. Their bodies are becoming adultlike, while their emotions are somewhere in between child and adult. They are forming their moral selves, determining their code for life. They are also relentlessly pursued by a sophisticated, market targeted, billion dollar merchandising empire that wants their money and may take their soul if we are not careful.

     So, what to get them? Here are some ideas:

     Events with you. This should be number one priority for your gift giving consideration. All kinds of opportunities present themselves depending on your budget and inclination, but your teenagers really need an adventure with you. The grander and perhaps risky or scary, or at least challenging, the better. They need to watch you in a challenging situation to learn how to handle it. This would be a great time to take a road trip of mutual choice or a backpacking trip or a trip to Europe together or go sailing or cross country skiing or river rafting together or climb a mountain together. You could also build something together, something either big or very intricate and precise. Give it a great deal of thought and commit your time and heart to this gift to your teenager. He and she needs it and so do you. Your time together is running short and so many life lessons still need to be learned such as patience and long term goals, how to believe in yourself, life can be exhilarating and beautiful and life is a challenge, but is very do-able and great fun.

     Family Rituals. Your teenager is also painfully aware that time at home is running out. They may outwardly scoff at family rituals, but they need them more than ever. Bring them into them even more. This is the year that they can make the turkey and bake the pie. So teach them how. Perhaps get your teenager a very special ornament with great meaning attached that goes on the tree every year and she can take with her when she starts her own home. Play board games or cards or some other non-electrical quiet activity that gives you time face-to face, not parallel. If you don’t have a family tradition, start one.

     Self-expression and physical release. They need creative, safe, yet exciting outlets for their emotions and they need to expend all that physical energy in positive ways. Such gifts could include a camera, water colors or a blank journal book, clay, a bow and arrow or a new basketball and hoop or a speed bicycle or rollerblades. Show them how to use these tools and go outside and put the hoop up together, then shoot a few.

     Dreaming, investigating and considering. The whole world is possible for him or her and there are so many choices. Give them tools to do this. Instead of a new CD or something electronic, give him a really excellent and very cool desk lamp, a soft blanket for their room or a cool chair to dream in. A great biography is always a good idea, especially if it talks about choices made in late teens and early twenties. This is also the time to introduce them to a philosophy of life, so give them something really big to read, like Shakespeare, Aristotle or Ayn Rand. An excellent art or photography book can inspire them. Don’t forget a classic piece of literature, Ivanhoe or some Jack London, Louisa May Alcott or even Ian Fleming. A telescope, a microscope or an updated, very excellent world atlas gives them a glimpse into other worlds. How about a sophisticated aquarium?

     Experiencing excellence. Does your teen know how to order in a fine restaurant? If not, then now is the time to get all dressed up and go out to dinner as a family and teach him and her. Have they been exposed to the best in arts and sports? Take them to the ballet, symphony, opera, theater or the art museum and to a professional sports or amateur sporting event that spotlights individual talent, like fencing, archery or ice skating. Teaching them how to go to these events and appreciate them and how to conduct themselves there, will give them so much confidence now and later when you won’t be there to show them. Letting them watch and experience excellence helps them with the choices they will need to make in the not too distant future.

     What we give as gifts should reflect our values, as well as our perceptions about the recipient, rather than what the merchandisers say our teenagers should get. Your teenager will remember and cherish a thoughtful, perceptive gift from you long after the latest trendy thing is discarded and forgotten.